Utpal has published an intriguing story of how Snatak came to be a disciple of Sri Chinmoy back in the 1980s.

“…The next year, he went to England to study music.  He admits, “I became very very unhappy.  By my second year in England, I was really depressed.  Here I was trying to find a spiritual path for 9 years, and I hadn’t found anything! So at that point, every night before I went to sleep, I prayed and prayed like crazy, for many months, for me to find a spiritual master. ” Eventually he came across a poster at his school in Manchester, offering mediation classes, once again by the students of Sri Chinmoy.  He says, “that was it.” …” Read more at Long Journeys

Snehashila Giving a Meditation Class in Russia, 2007

O, Thy Love is my nest.
Thy Smile is my rest.
Thy Grace is my goal.

- Sri Chinmoy

This poem, hand-written by Guru, is framed and hanging in the vestibule of my “nest”. Let me tell you how I came to have my house. It is a story that shows Guru’s power, sweetness and love.

Right after being accepted as a disciple, Guru asked my son, Dhanu, to telephone me and tell me to come to New York. I thought, “Isn’t that nice. He wants me to come for a visit.” But Dhanu quickly corrected me by saying, “No, not for a visit. He wants you to move to New York.” This was startling to me since I knew nothing about spiritual Masters, having been a devout Roman Catholic. In fact, my best friends were priests and nuns.

Weeks ran into months and then one day, almost unnoticed, I realised that I had been on the path for nearly five years—still living away from Guru. My birthday was coming up and Dhanu called to tell me that Guru really meant that I should move to New York and why was I delaying? When I packed I did not feel in my heart that I could stay in New York, so I took only a few belongings and very little money.

The day of my birthday was a very special one. Guru was going to Woodstock—one of his most favourite spots on earth—to give a Peace Concert, and he had invited me to be on the bus with him. As I boarded the bus, Guru said, “Anne, Anne, this is your birthday, and tonight as a birthday celebration, I am inviting all the disciples who have come to this concert to come to my home. I am cooking an Indian feast just to celebrate your birthday.”

I was very happy and I thought, “Isn’t that nice. On this path when you have a birthday, Guru cooks a feast to honour you.” Little did I realise that this was an unusual event.

That night of July 12, 1980, we were all sitting in Guru’s back yard when he approached me with a heaping plate of Indian food, a veritable feast, and presented it to me. Yes, it was delicious. The girls later told me that he had actually done all the cooking, that they had just done the chopping of the vegetables. After the meal, there was a cake which Databir had brought and Dhanu presented to me. After blowing out the candles, Guru said that since it was my birthday, I could ask him one question.

Lots of thoughts flashed through my mind. It was like in a fairy tale where you are allowed one boon. I didn’t want to waste it. After some thought I found myself saying, “Guru, for years you have been asking me to move to New York. Why can’t I do it?” Guru’s answer really shocked me. Because of my Christian background, he said, “It is easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than it is for a rich woman to get into Heaven.”

Guru made it clear to me that I was staying away from New York because I didn’t want to give up my security and money. I knew my husband very well and realised that he would never part with any money, but these words were just what I needed to finally leave him. Who needs money if you have such a caring, loving Teacher to guide you? I didn’t want to be one of those who chose money over God, so I never went back home.

One day soon after, Ashrita called and said that Guru wanted me to buy a house. I asked, “How can I buy a house? Doesn’t Guru know that I have no money?”

He answered, “I don’t know, Anne. All I can say is that Guru said, ‘Tell Anne to go buy a house.’ ” So I started looking for a house. I felt in my heart that there was a house out there that I could get if I just believed this.

Every day I went out looking, knocking on doors. One day when Guru was in the Smile of the Beyond, he called me up to his table and asked, “How are you doing? Are you so fussy that you can’t find a house?” I told him that I didn’t want to spend a lot of time making repairs, and so many of the houses were in disrepair.

Then one night at a function at Progress-Promise, Guru asked me to come up and tell of my latest house experiences. That night when I returned home, the phone rang. It was a disciple who had heard my tales of woe. He said that when he came into the house where he rents a top floor apartment, he overheard his landlord, Mr. B., on the phone with a realtor. He called me very excited and told me that I should look at this house, which was in beautiful condition. It even had a twelve-foot stained glass window.

The next day when I saw the window, I had to admit that it was pretty impressive and beautiful. It seems that a Catholic priest had this house built in 1900 for his widowed sister and her eight children. I set up an appointment with Mr. B. to view the inside.

When I arrived, I wasn’t very impressed by the interior for some reason. It seemed too dark. I did not want to hurt the man’s feelings, but I really didn’t think that this was the house for me. He, meanwhile, wanted very much to sell to a disciple because he had seen the change that Guru had brought about in the neighbourhood.

He saw that I did not want the house and offered to take off $5,000 because I was a disciple. That still wouldn’t do. Then he asked what it was about the house that I didn’t care for. I answered that it had to be completely painted and wallpapered. He then took off another $5,000 for that. I still wasn’t going to buy it. Then he asked me, did I like flowers? Of course, I love flowers and always had a huge garden in the home that I had left to move to New York. So he said, “Let’s go out and I’ll show you the garden.”

I thought, “What is there to see? It’s January; in the winter all the plants are asleep!” But I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, so I agreed.

We went outdoors and right there, on this very brisk, cold day, sat a beautiful blue flower. I asked him, “Mr. B., what kind of flower is this? I’ve never seen such a bloom before.” He was just as surprised as I was and said that he had never seen it in his garden although he had lived there since 1925. I took this as a sign from God that this was finally the house for me to buy.

Now all I had to do was convince him that I could handle it financially, even though I did not have any money. It was a total surprise when he said, “Could you come up with $1,000? Can’t you borrow that much from one of your friends?” I called Ashrita and told him about this house and Guru’s answer came back in 20 minutes: “If Anne doesn’t buy that house, she will never have a house.” This man was willing to let me have a house that is worth something like $250,000 today for only one thousand dollars down, and he was willing to wait years for the rest. Can you see the miracle that our Guru has wrought?

Snehashila (New York)

I was a very conservative kid in a suburb of New York. My family was not religious, but I became religiously oriented during my teens. I went to church on my own, joining the choir (mostly middle-aged folks) and even teaching Sunday school. But as I approached my last year of high school, my interest faded; religion seemed too narrow.

During that year I felt the sting of conscience, as someone from a privileged family (it was the ’60s, after all!), so I decided to do some volunteering. There was a special class at school for retarded children, and I nervously presented myself to do some afternoon social service. That led to the offer of a summer job as a camp counselor in the Catskill Mountains with a dozen or so of these children. My self-made immigrant parents were horrified, but I insisted. They drove me up in their gleaming grey 1959 Cadillac (battleship style), little knowing that I would be learning yoga, becoming a vegetarian and reading about reincarnation in those few weeks. Little did I know myself! I also acquired a boyfriend there, the son of the camp directors.

In September I went off to college – alas, a depressing experience. Here I was, accepted into one of the top universities in the country, and I pretty much hated it. Something was badly lacking. At one point I heard from my boyfriend, who was studying in Michigan, that his family had met a Guru. Finally, in May of 1968, I took a train from college in Boston back to New York one weekend to meet the Guru. My boyfriend told me to keep my eyes open, no matter what. That made me afraid and intrigued in equal measure! I was blessed to have a private interview with Guru, with my boyfriend.

We drove into Manhattan in a little black Renault covered with flower-stickers (those were the times, but I favoured miniskirts over the hippie style). It was a Saturday morning and a light rain was falling. I remember walking up several flights of stairs to Guru’s apartment on East 84th Street. There was a simple room with empty folding chairs lined up, as I recall. White curtains were billowing in the breeze, and Guru, dressed in saffron robes, was walking back and forth in front of the windows. My impression was that everything was very plain, very serene and very high.

Guru, then 36 years old, spoke to both of us, seated in front of him. He was very kind and compassionate, asking about me and my family. He meditated, moving his eyes in his extraordinary way, and I did keep my eyes open. I felt that Guru knew me completely. He gave me two Transcendental photographs. I did not think about „becoming a disciple.“ The next day there was a group meditation in Guru’s apartment, and I went. It was natural – of course I would go.

“I Am So Fortunate“ and “All Your Grace,“ Guru’s immortal songs from the summer of 2007, perfectly describe my being found by Guru at age 18.

Sahatvam with the World Harmony Run team in Turkey, July 2007

I think we all have – in a more or less conscious way – the goal to be happy. Admittedly, happiness might mean something different to each of us if we have to define it. That is alright, since we are individuals. On the road to our own personal happiness, we walk along completely different paths that can be rather adventurous, surprising and wondrous, and add excitement and diversity to our lives. Often, these paths have several tracks that we can walk on simultaneously.

In my school years, fom 11th grade on, I started developing an interest in spirituality. Since I was raised as a Catholic, I was looking for contacts in the Christian world. With the nice chaplain of our parish, we formed a small group that organized services, lectures, spiritual group travels and more. The mystic aspect and the message put into practice always inspired me most. During my studies I kept loose contact with this group, but slowly my studies became more and more important in my life.

At an international meeting in Germany, I met my future wife. She was studying architecture in Ankara, Turkey, at the time. Two years later, she finished her studies, moved to Germany and we got married. A “fresh breeze“ from a very different culture came into my life. Both of us needed a lot of tolerance and great openness. This was important for me and helped me later to accept things that would have been inconceivable then. I was still deeply rooted in my Christian world, whereas my wife was more progressive. She showed vivid interest in other religions, in healthy nutrition and many esoteric topics, and slowly I started to also be interested. We went to lectures by different groups and read extensively about reincarnation, spiritual Masters and other topics. My main interest was somewhere else though.

In the early 1980s, my life was mainly focussed on the question of how to find a job after passing my exam for the teaching profession. It turned out to be extremely difficult, since there were not enough vacancies either in public or in private schools. Only part-time jobs were available, but I couldn’t imagine myself doing that for a long time. I started to despair. All the doors seemed shut, and nothing was moving on my ’main track’.

One day, I saw a poster in the city advertising a lecture series on meditation. I said to my wife: “Wouldn’t that be something for you?“ We ended up going together to this lecture, given by a young woman (Vasanti) from the Heidelberg Sri Chinmoy Centre. She had simplicity and clarity, and was not imposing anything at all. We went on two evenings, but the third class fell on the same date as a lecture given by someone we had known for a long time. Thus we lost contact with the Sri Chinmoy Centre.

And now the marvellous part of the story starts. In October 1983, we visited the Frankfurt Book Fair to try to find the booth of the lecturer for whose talk we had dropped the Sri Chinmoy Centre classes. The fair was big, but we had plenty of time. Well, we did not find the booth we were looking for, but we discovered another one – the Sri Chinmoy Centre booth. We were surprised of course. What a coincidence! Coincidence? A conversation ensued – with the same young woman whose meditation classes we had attended. We felt a bit embarrassed because we had stopped going, but since we had planned to buy some spiritual books anyway, we bought a brochure about Sri Chinmoy’s path along with a recording of his flute music. “Thank you,“ “All the best,“ “Good-bye.“

Several months passed. During the day I applied at schools; at night I worked as a porter in a hotel. In addition, we went to different spiritual groups. We liked Sri Chinmoy’s flute music a lot. The brochure was very interesting and contained excerpts from Sri Chinmoy’s writings. Many things I read made a deep impression on me. I felt depth and unconditional surrender that I had never found elsewhere. The spiritual longing of my early years was directed towards the richness and authenticity of living spirituality, manifested in the form of a living spiritual Master.

From the brochure, we cut out and framed a photo of Sri Chinmoy in a very high consciousness. Thus he slowly became a member of our family. From time to time we listened to his flute music. Nevertheless, we were still looking for the one and only, the right path – the path to happiness. What did happiness mean to me back then? I needed a job. Not just any job but the one I had passed two federal exams for – quite an investment! And I was looking for some-one whom I could entrust with my life, my dreams and my goals. Someone who might know better what is good for me. High expectations!

I read about creative imagination and more about different Masters. I was looking for a breakthrough. I wanted my life to be in the hands of someone who would be able to show me the right path and to guide me. Very slowly I became more and more convinced that Sri Chinmoy could be that person. Again and again I read from his writings. The simplicity and depth of his words impressed me. I felt that he radiated the sincerity of living spirituality.

During these months we had no contact with the Heidelberg Sri Chinmoy Centre – only with other groups. Nevertheless, something had grown in silence within me – something that was stronger than everything else. In January 1984 I called the contact number in the brochure and asked how I could become Sri Chinmoy’s disciple. Back then it was the custom to write a personal letter to Sri Chinmoy, which I did on my birthday. I still have a copy of that letter. The letter described my personal situation, my inner and outer needs and why I wanted to join this path.

I anxiously waited for several weeks, since Sri Chinmoy was away on travel and did not receive my letter right away. Finally, on February 21st, a disciple of Sri Chinmoy called me to confirm that my wife and I had been accepted. Great joy and high expectations. Many unasked questions about what to do next. Life went on – often different from what I had expected – but always for my best, for my happiness. And that was exactly what I had hoped for.

I did not obtain a post as a teacher back then, but today, 24 years later, I accepted this challenge. But this is a totally different story, and many other things happened in between. February 21st is a day that I celebrate every year just as I celebrate my birthday, because on this day I started a completely new life on a new track.

As soon as I learned how to read, I became a fervent reader. I read all the books I could get from my parents and later from the library. I often read books not only for children but also for adults. Three to four books in one week were not too much for me. When my parents gave me pocket money, I saved it to buy books. My grand-mother gave me a Bible on the day of my confirmation, and I read this grand book from cover to cover!

I used to walk past the only bookstore in my little home town to see the new books on display in the window. One day – I was fourteen or fifteen years old – I discovered a book there called the Bhagavad Gita. It was quite expensive, and I did not know what it was about, but nevertheless it attracted me tremendously. In the following weeks, I often looked at it and finally bought it. Naturally, I read it immediately. That is, I tried to read it, but I did not understand anything in the book! So after a while, I stopped reading it.

When I was seventeen or eighteen, I began to do Hatha Yoga. I bought a book and did the exercises quite regularly. However, my goal was not fitness of the body; I wanted to learn how to read the minds of my teachers to know what questions would appear in my exams! Unfortunately or for-tunately, I did not develop this skill, so my school marks were not as good as they perhaps might have been.

During my studies, I had many new things to do and to think about – especially how to become really happy. But the things I tried did not work at all, and this continued when I started working. So I began looking around for an alternative life. Because I was fond of the Buddha and had loved Japan since my early childhood, I tried Zen Buddhism. I read books and attended a weekend session with a Japanese Zen Master. But to sit in the lotus position for hours hurt 66 my knees, creating severe pain that lasted for weeks. I made another effort and went to a Zen weekend retreat. But on the second day, on my way to the session, I had an accident with my car and could not attend. After this event, I concluded that Zen Buddhism was not meant for me.

My next attempt was Tibetan Buddhism. Again I read books and went to several pujas in a nearby Tibetan monastery. During this time, I saw for the first time a poster of Guru in Cologne. Being in a high consciousness, he looked very strange in the photo. I said to myself that I never, never wanted to be a disciple of this man!

I was not so happy with Tibetan Buddhism. When I learned that a Buddhist retreat in Germany was something like a very long self-knowledge trip, I totally lost interest. Being a psychologist, I had enough of such things! One day, I found another poster, which announced a lecture by Kailash, a psychologist like myself. I went to this lecture, liked it, and attended a follow-up and some other lectures given by a local disciple of Sri Chinmoy. This lasted a few months. After some time, I was eager to become Guru’s disciple, but nobody asked me to join the Centre, and I was too shy to ask.

Then Guru’s big Cologne concert took place. I was there but I did not appreciate it very much, because the people sitting near me were very loud and restless. The next day there was a seven-hour meditation, and I was invited to participate. I came late because I had to prepare for a psychotherapeutic examination, but also because I was a little afraid of the seven hours. I entered the room during an intermission and 67 found a place where I could see Guru very well. After the intermission, Guru announced that there were only two hours left of the seven because he had already meditated two hours in the early morning. At the end of the meditation, he asked whether some people in the audience would like to become his disciples.

Two or three raised their hands. Not me! I did not dare to. Those who had raised their hands were invited to come to the stage to meditate with him. When they returned to their seats, Guru looked at three people in the audience and meditated on them. One of those three was me! It was really an experience. It stirred my whole being!

Soon after this event, the whole Cologne Centre went to New York to the April Celebrations, and I was left alone. As soon as they were back, I gave the Centre leader my picture and a letter for Guru asking to become his disciple.

The 27th of May was the day of days! In the Cologne Centre, there was bhajan singing in the evening. Even though I had a very bad headache, I went to the function. However, I was irritated by the food and the incense, and the songs intensified my headache so much that I left the Centre after a few hours.

That night I had an initiation dream – but it was not me who was initiated: I happily watched Guru pouring a bucket of cold water over my younger sister! The next day, I was informed by the Centre leader that, during the bhajan function, he had received a call from New York saying that Guru had accepted me as his disciple. And now, nearly 25 years later, my gratitude to Guru for having accepted me is still growing and growing.

Coming into that hotel room, I felt a kind of deep loneliness that I could easily have boiled away with some useless TV (or worse than useless TV). In my last post I talked about getting to know God and the gratitude that I feel to Sri Chinmoy for giving me the big picture (G-O-D).

That is relevant here, because when I come out of my context in Seattle, when I leave my nice house with pictures of Sri Chinmoy smiling, when I leave behind the bird drawings and the books by my Guru lining the shelves, a lot of cues about spiritual life are gone, and the support system all has to come from within.

Within is sometimes there and sometimes not, so the quest can be quite desert-like rather than dessert-like at times.

So where is this all leading? I sat down in my nice hotel room (that Indian owner has done an excellent job on this place), I sat down on the floor leaning against the generically nice couch, I sat with Sri Chinmoy’s meditation picture in front of me–a picture that he personally handed to me (and to many others) during a Christmas trip, I sat with the TV just a few feet away over there, and a towel was draped over it to prevent me from even thinking about turning it on, and I just cried and cried for loneliness for the Supreme. Where are You, God? That is what I felt in this nice but nowhere place. I also felt tremendous pressure to go and rip that towel off the TV and anesthetize my mind with its desired input of entertaining junk.

Then I knew that I would also have to come to this site and see what my friends have to say. Just coming here and seeing the names of people I know and don’t know, that has made a big difference.

Well, I meditated for about a half-hour, and it did its magic. The TV god did not grab me, no. I felt that even my tears were a presence of Him (and Her). I felt, “this is going to be ok.” My quest to discover my Friend, God, my Protector, God, my All, God– that continues.

Nayak

Now, the funny thing is, if I want to go watch TV now, if I want to see what the rest of humanity is doing, if I want to see what moronic stuff, what humor, is out there, well, that’s fine.

So, what do we learn from this? We learn (well, I learn), that if the God touch is there then whatever we do has that God-touch. We also learn that if you call to God, He comes, She comes, It comes, They All come. That’s nice. I like that.

Nayak

Originally posted Sri Chinmoy Inspiration Group, 17th, 2008

TV Picture top right: Source: Flickr CC – Bonnaf

Right from the beginning she was so open to Guru. She loved his Transcendental photograph; she said it was always smiling at her. She bought many books, which she also gave to her nun sisters and the Mother Superior. She also bought quite a few pictures of Guru and put them up in her little room.

When I was in New York, I was inspired to tell some of the experiences she had with Guru’s music and with the Transcendental picture in connection with the children she was teaching. The stories were as beautiful as fairytales, but they were real! Guru’s only comment was: “Is she not a disciple?”

I answered: “No, Guru, she has been a Catholic sister for 27 years!” Guru just smiled compassionately at my stupid answer. After a few weeks Guru came to Munich, and since Dodula came to our Madal Bal store every week, I told her, “Next time I will not be here; I will go to visit Sri Chinmoy in Munich.” She said that she had written a poem for him and asked me if I could translate it and give it to him. I opened the envelope, and there was a photo of her inside. I asked her why she wanted to give Sri Chinmoy a photo of her (since I never told her how to apply to become a disciple). She said that since she had so many pictures of him, she wanted him to have at least one of her, just so that he knew who was thanking him for all his blessings and help.

Then I had to tell her that Sri Chinmoy happened to be not only a peace philosopher, artist, composer and poet but also that he was a spiritual Master of the highest order who accepted his disciples through a photo. She had tears in her eyes and said, “If he is not my teacher, then who is my teacher? I learned from him much more in these few months than I learned in all my 27 years as a spiritual sister in the convent!”

When Guru saw her picture, he accepted her as a disciple and said, “Christ has stolen her heart and brought it now to me.”

Gunthita (Zurich)

Puerto Rico

About three years ago, my mother was diagnosed with a very serious form of cancer that was quickly spreading. To be certain, she went for the opinion of three prominent cancer specialists in Puerto Rico. All of them concurred: she definitely had a serious form of cancer.

I became increasingly worried—I love my mother dearly and her suffering and imminent death were torturing my heart. Over the years I have met excellent physicians and naturopaths who have been very successful in treating cancer as well as other so-called “incurable” diseases. It was my hope to bring my mother to New York for such treatment.

Her main physician told her that she needed radiation, chemotherapy and most definitely surgery. I asked my mother to please hold off with all those therapies until I could consult with the doctor I had in mind, and to send me copies of her records. When I read her blood analysis, panic struck me hard, for it became real that my mother was very sick.

I had not wanted to tell Guru anything until I had all the information, but now pressure was mounting, and my mother was scheduled for surgery within a few weeks. Finally, I wrote Guru a letter explaining everything. I told him that I love my mother very much and that I was not ready to lose her, but I also told him that I was praying for God’s Victory in whatever form it would express itself.

Guru’s reply came immediately. “Ask her to please postpone the surgery for one month.” I immediately telephoned my mother and pleaded with her to please listen and follow Guru’s advice. She agreed.

Fortunately or unfortunately, I have a cousin who is a very prominent doctor, and he argued that the surgery could not be delayed. He had all the members of my family in Puerto Rico on his side and they pressured my mother to concede. I was devastated. I would call her every day in tears and beg her. My poor mother was confused and frightened. She really wanted to please me by listening to Guru’s advice, but the family pressure was too much for her. So I told her, “Do what you feel you need to do. I love you and will support any decision you take.” This brought her a sense of peace, and she decided to go ahead with the surgery.

The doctor wanted to operate as soon as possible, since he was scheduled to be on board a cruise ship for a three-week vacation. But God had a better plan. My mother was ready to go for surgery in two days, but there were no beds available for about two weeks in any of the hospitals where this particular doctor could practise. Since he was going away for three weeks, the surgery had to be postponed for one month.

One month later, when the doctor came back from his vacation, more tests were done before the surgery. There was no evidence of cancer, not a trace, as if it never happened. The doctors said that all along they must have had the wrong records, the records of another patient.

God and Guru alone know what happened. My mother and family are extremely grateful to Guru and God for this incredible miracle. The other miracle is that whenever my mother sees Guru, she becomes a beautiful child swimming in tears of joy and gratitude. She says, “He is so beautiful!”

Sevananda (Puerto Rico)

Picture top right: Flickr CC Oquendo

New Zealand

Long ago, when I was a young farmer’s wife with two very small children, there was a time when I found myself in an awful ‘black hole’ of depression. I had never been particularly unhappy in my life before then, rarely saw a doctor, and thought one would just say, “Grow up, you have responsibilities now”. For many weeks I had been listening to the 15-minute programme, ‘A Faith For Today’, on the radio every morning. Weeping copious tears, I would pray and pray to really believe in the existence of God, and Jesus Christ—but please, please, not to remain indifferent any longer.

One morning after the broadcast was over I was washing up the breakfast dishes and crying into the sink as usual, when my view through the window and across the valley was silently rent down the middle with a slight zigzag shift, and the world changed. The view was the same, yet all looked subtly different, slightly shimmering. It seemed as though the trees along the distant horizon had joined hands and were dancing, for one thing—but my real understanding was inner. I saw, somehow, or rather understood, how everything IS. I saw how all things are connected and that love is the key, and I was swept along and upward in a joyous unfolding vision of how this could blossom into Heaven on earth one day, with love for one another spreading across the land and around the world until it encompassed all nations and all mankind; and all the time I found myself whispering, “Of course, of course!” as if in ecstatic recognition of something long forgotten.

This is the best I can do by way of explanation. At the time, I tried to write down all that I had ‘seen’—and could not. It was somehow impossible to express the wonder of it in ordinary words. One of my favourite talks on radio had been on Jesus’ teaching, “You are the light of the world…” I knew this parable but always assumed that it applied to His disciples only. Now I knew it meant me, and you, everyone on earth.

I was totally uplifted. I knew the light shone from my eyes, my face was radiant and my heart was overflowing with happiness and love. (This was not just a mood swing! I have never been depressed again in all the years that have passed since). I had been given far more than I had asked for. Now I did not just believe. I knew.

Today I feel that, in answer to my genuine, anguished cries, God’s Compassion came down mightily and temporarily lifted the veil of maya, or illusion, long enough to give me the answer I so desperately sought. Then the veil descended again, inevitably. The high consciousness also descended, slowly, without lots of prayer and meditation to maintain it, and I was left with just the essence of the experience to sustain me. I attended churches of several different faiths but could not find lasting inspiration anywhere and gradually just returned to ‘normal’, but that knowledge was always there, deep within—God IS.

But the search never ceased. I read every book on spirituality and any loosely associated subject that the Hamilton City Library could provide. The best one started off, ‘God is Love. God only loves. All God can do is love…’

And ended with, ‘Say Yes to God today—yes yes yes yes YES!’

There was a book on meditation that sounded interesting, and just what I needed, but I tried it only once, on my own. One day there was an advertisement in the Waikato Times, ‘Four meditation classes for $25.00’, so off I went. My only recollection is that we sat in a circle on the floor in a darkened room with a lighted candle in the middle. I found it weird, sitting in the dark with shadowy figures all around, and made no progress.

The following year a small paragraph appeared in the local mid-week paper; a lady called Subarata, from Auckland, would be coming to Hamilton to give free meditation classes. Feeling a bit dubious after the last strange experience, I wanted to give it another try but thought it would be nice to go with a friend, so asked my daughter on the off chance that she might like to come with me—and she said she would.

During the introductory meditation I concentrated hard on my breathing and the ‘little imaginary thread in front of the nose’, and soon found myself focused on a space, like a tiny rift between clouds, where it seemed something important was just out of sight, but which could be revealed at any moment. Entranced, I gazed yearningly at that space; time passed, then, as from a distance, I heard a quiet voice saying, “Now bring your attention slowly back to the room…” Oh, no, No, NO! But that was it. What else could you do?

I never saw that space again—the doorway to the ever-beckoning Beyond? But my course was now set fair towards it, toward my goal—and my Guru.

Though I did not know it then, again I would be given more than I could ever have dreamed of asking for.